Track 06: Lost

You ever have those moments when you can be super clear about what you want in some parts of your life, but in other parts, you just feel… lost? Like part of you is on track, but other parts of you are floating around unsure at the same time.

I know one thing for sure and two things for certain, I want this music to reach as many people as I can. I want it to heal, to sit with folks in the quiet moments, to remind them they are seen. I want to leave this world knowing my gifts did what they were meant to do. I want to keep building this life with my husband, not just paying bills together but living, laughing, traveling, growing. I want us to find our place, somewhere we can breathe and feel embraced by community without having to censor or shrink ourselves.

But beyond that? I honestly don't know. And saying that out loud feels strange, but it's the truth.

It hit me heavy yesterday. I was at work, trying to find my rhythm in this new role, but I felt like a robot moving through the day. It's like I get up, go to work, come home, figure out dinner, fall asleep but never really rest, and then get up to do it all again. I caught myself asking, "Is this really it?" Deep down, I knew the answer was no. I'm crazy grateful for the opportunity to work, but the hunger to get in my full-time creative bag is roaring, and so are my current bills, lol.

What I really want is to work for myself. I want to wake up and pour into my music, into my design work, into helping other people build their dreams while I keep building mine. But the truth is, I wasn't born into money, and bills still need to get paid. So here I am, craving freedom while needing stability, sitting in that tension that can feel heavy some days. I catch myself feeling stuck, trying to keep the dream alive while life keeps lifeing.

It's not like I don't have dreams. I have plenty, some loud and some I keep quiet. I want to take this music as far as it can go, to share my story, to inspire. And honestly, there's a part of me that still wants to be a flight attendant just to see the world. I know, random. But that dream feels tucked away when money's tight and there's so much music I need to get out. So I hold onto it quietly, hoping one day there'll be space for that too.

If I'm keeping it real, I've never had a season where everything felt lined up perfectly. I grew up having to hustle, making something out of nothing, learning how to survive without asking for help. It made me strong, but it also made me tired. I learned how to figure things out because I had to, but sometimes I wish I could just rest without worrying about what's going to fall apart if I do.

Lately though, I'm learning to give myself some grace when it comes to music. I just need to extend that grace outside of my music and my marriage. To let myself be seen, to let myself try and mess up, to trust that these dreams in me are there for a reason. I have to remind myself to keep going even when it feels messy, to keep creating even when it feels scary, and to believe that every small step is getting me closer to the life I want.

Purpose isn't just about what you do or how much you achieve. For me, purpose is about touching hearts and minds with my gifts and my story. It’s about showing up as myself so others feel safe to do the same, no matter what room I’m in. Although reevaluating your purpose doesn’t necessarily make the wandering happen less, I’d like to think that it’s a bright star on your wandering journey to finding who you want to be.

If you're reading this and you've been feeling a little lost too, I want you to know it's okay. It's okay not to have it all figured out. It's okay to want more and still feel unsure. It doesn't mean you're failing. It just means you're human, and you're growing.

You're allowed to want more while still being grateful for what you have. You can dream big even when you don't have all the pieces yet. You can be in the middle of figuring it out and still be exactly where you need to be.

So, who do you want to be when you grow up? Not what the world says you should be. Not what everyone else expects you to be. You. Who do you want to be when it's all said and done?

It's not too late to become that version of you, for you.